Hostelry

Golfing trio who will always be popular in Scotland

WATCHING the Women’s Open golf from Carnoustie, Jim Morrison noticed that one of the players was on the score sheet as Y. Noh.

Our reader is eager to know if she has a pair of delightful sisters called How and Gonnie.

Going postal

A DIARY tale about a listless chap categorically refusing to find gainful employment reminds Russell Smith, from Largs, of his student days, when he had a holiday job as a temporary postman.

“It was better than walking the streets,” says Russell.

Achy brekkie heart

VISITING a bustling hostelry in Aberdeen, reader Andy Wright overheard the following conversation between two young chaps:

Chap 1: Mandy’s a lovely lass, ken? But I don’t see much o’ a future for us. See, she only has a two-slice toaster in her flat.

Chap 2: And…?

Chap 1: Well, I like four slices for ma breakfast. So I need a four-slice toaster.

Chap 2: Can’t you just toast two slices o’ bread? Then, when you’re finished, toast another two?

Chap 1: (Aghast) But that’d mean waiting for my second two slices!

Chap 2: Aye, sorry. Wisnae thinkin’.

Weird science

IRATE scientists and angry members of the clergy often get in touch with the Diary and demand to know why we so rarely discuss the metaphysical tensions that exist between the worlds of faith and science. Let it never be said we have deliberately dodged a profound or controversial topic.

So in the spirit of open-mindedness and philosophical enquiry, we quote reader Jason Watkins, who says: “A Higgs boson particle walks into a church. The priest asks it to leave. The boson says, ‘But without me, how can you have mass?’”

Food for thought

ONCE more the Diary dares to tackle the most contentious questions of our era, with Eric Arbuckle, from Largs, demanding to know, “If one enjoys a jam sandwich whilst wearing a sleeveless jacket, would this be a gilet piece?”

Father fumes

ANOTHER occasion made awkward by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Tom Bradshaw, from Bellshill, recalls performing at a wedding reception where the father of the bride insisted on hearing a rousing rendition of the popular song, Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off.

Luckily, this prickly paternal advice was ignored, and the newly weds continued to be newly wed.

Slammer and grammar

USEFUL advice from reader Lynn Thomas, who says: “Never ask an English teacher who has just been released from jail to marry you. They will always explain that you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.”